I Needed A Release

So, I have put off blogging for a while...I don't really know what to say. I mean I have a lot to say, but I don't know if I should or not. But I am having a not so good day, so I'm gonna just ramble and say what needs to be said, for my own peace of mind.

The past month, babe and I haven't been doing so well. He is distant and all I wanted was for him to talk to me, but he doesn't. I mean he talks to me of course, but he doesn't tell me how he is feeling. Were alike in too many ways, we both keep stuff in until we just eventually explode. And well, this is what happened...he basically told me he didn't know if he still loved me anymore and that there was no reason for us to be living together anymore because he didn't plan on getting married anytime soon, so why play the "married" lifestyle? My heart broke, right there in that moment. The man I love more than anything in this world, doesn't love me anymore...

Me moving down to Columbus with him was his idea back in December and now I'm not wanted anymore. I picked up my life and moved down here, with no regrets. I still have no regrets. I loved him so much, that I was ready to wake up next to him everyday and now I just get thrown out like a piece of trash. Okay, maybe not that extensive, because technically I am still living here, but that is what it feels like.

We were perfectly fine, until the news of the deployment broke...then everything changed. It's like I became a burden in his life instead of someone who would be there to love and support him throughout this whole process. I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that a deployment would eventually happen. And I told him from the very beginning that I would support him with whatever he chose to do, and I still stand by that. Of course I am sad that he is going, but I am so unbelievably proud of him, for everything that he has accomplished thus far and everything he will accomplish in the future. I don't know if he is pushing me away intentionally because he is leaving for 13 months, or if he really just doesn't love me anymore. Either way, its killing me. I understand, he has a lot going on & 13 months is a long time, but I want to be with him, I love him.

I have been through much worse in my life, losing two children & a divorce. Granted, the divorce wasn't that hard because it all happened for the wrong reasons and the best thing was to get away from that low life POS. But, losing two children, one of which is his, is the hardest thing to ever have to go through. The first time was pure hell and the second time was just torture. We had just started "dating" when it happened. It wasn't planned and neither one of us knew about it until it was too late. But I can't help but think of how different things would be right now if that baby would have made it. I try not to think about it too much because I can't change things that happened in the past, but lately it has been on my mind, a lot.

Babe was the one person who kept pushing me to succeed. He was the only person who was really in my corner. My parents and I have a tough relationship at times, and Babe was the one constant in my life. We made it through him going to Ft. Leonard Wood last summer with no problem. I know a deployment is going to be different because I won't get to visit him or talk to him when I want or need too. But I want to be the one he can call when he is having a bad day, I want to be one the one he can't wait to see again. Most importantly, I want to be his Princess again. I want him to tell me he loves me again. I want to hear or read Good Morning Beautiful or Good Night Sweetheart. I want to be able to look into his gorgeous baby blues and know that I am safe in his arms again...

Okay, I'm done rambling. I know its completely irrelevent to anything, but I needed to get that out because he doesn't give me the chance to actually say it to him. I doubt it will make a difference, but it will at least giving me a little bit of a piece of mind, for now anyways...