Can't fall back to sleep...

So here I am 12:15am eastern standard time and I can't fall back to sleep. Of course, the one person who is on my mind is the last person who needs to be on my mind. He's the first person I wake up thinking about and the last person I go to bed thinking about. I'm trying to be this tough person, I really am. But lets face it, I miss him. I miss everything about him. And him being in our hometown this past weekend just sucked, because of course I didn't get to see him. Of course he didn't want anything to do with me. I should of known better. I miss being the one to make him smile. I miss his goofyness and his way he could make me laugh so easily. I miss him.

At times I fell like he misses me too, because I will get random texts from him saying things like I'm sorry or I really fucked up. I want to believe that he is sorry or that he really thinks that, but I usually get these messages after he has had a few to drink. He has admitted though that the saying "drunken words are sober thoughts" is true. It still doesn't hurt any less, because I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him "baby, it will be okay. we can get through this." But I don't ever get that chance, nor will I probably ever and I don't know if I want to all the time. But I still just need to say that to someone at least, even if it is to my blogger friends.

This is far from loneliness talking, because I have spent many nights away from him between the Army and work, so I'm used to the sleeping apart thing. This is me legititmitly missing my best friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life. People say it gets easier, fuck that. It has done nothing but get harder. And now he leaves for a month to Arkansas. So, I won't get to see him for a month, if not longer, seeing as he wants to not see me. So yeah, pretty much just FML!

I miss my stealer of the covers, my nascar driver, my blued eyed devil, my tickle monster, i mostly miss my best friend, I miss the man I fell madly in love with.

Does Time Really Heal All?

So everyone tells me, time heals all. But in fact it really doesn't. Yes, with time you learn to live a life without that person but it never gets easier. I am not crying as much these days, in fact, its been a good couple of days. Does that mean it is getting easier, NO! I still miss J so incredibly much. Yes, I am surviving, but do I want to without him, NO! Were still friends and we talk still, but sadly I doubt we will get back together. Which kills me to say because I love him with every breath I take. He leaves for a month long training in a little less than 2 weeks. So he will be gone all of June. Then he comes home for a couple of weeks and he will be gone for 13 long painful months. He is still my best friend in every sense of the word. I still love him so much, through all of the hurt he caused. Will we get back together ever? I honestly don't know, but he will always be my friend. So yes I am making it, only because I have no other options.