Catch Up & Song Link Up!

So, in honor of me lovingggg Kenny Chesney and him performing in concert in my town tonight and me not being able to go, I want to share with you my favorite song ever. If I get married, this will definitly be played at my wedding! I hope you guys enjoy!

Now for the catch up part! All has been well on my part. Josh and I are doing better and things are slowly getting worked out. I can't wait for him to come home from Arkansas though, so we can actually start to make a mends. I have some very exciting news to share soon enough, when the time is right! ;)

Now for a good cause. Tonight I went to Applebee's with my best friends Kenny and Danny to support a cause that some kids I graduated high school are doing. They are all in the military themselves, so this is wonderful for them to be doing. Basically 15% of however much your bill turned out to be would go towards Military Troops and their families. To help provide things that they are struggling with or need help with while their spouse is away. I think this is absolutely wonderful and think that more people should do this.

Their organization is called H.A.N.D.S. or Helping All In Need Donation Services. Here is the Facebook link. Check them out and just be sure to thank them for all that they do.

New News!

So I have been MIA on here for a while. With good reason though. I am currently in Oklahoma visiting my bestest friend in the entire world. She lives in Lawton aka Fort Sill. It is so pretty and hot here. The bugs are out of control here though. Don't worry I'll post pictures at the end. But they are life size, its crazy. First we had a lizard in the house, which we were terrified of and took us 20 minutes to catch. Then the next day we had a scorpion in the house, which was even scarier. Now you always see things in three's, so I am just waiting to see what other crazy creature I see before I leave. The tarantula's are lifesize down here too, its scary. I may pee my pants if I see one of those in real life, and apparently its tarantula season right now.

The scenery down here is amazing. It's like a whole different world down here with the desert and all the mountains. It is amazing, I dont think I ever want to leave. And its supposed to be a cool 104 degrees today. Can't wait to get my tan on :)



My God-Baby & I with our cowboy boots

Altus Airforce Base Swimming pool





The drive from Lawton to Altus



Wichita Mountains! They were right outside our car!

Buffalo were everywhereee. It was awesome!

Wichita Mountains

Prairie Dogs are so cute!

So on other newsss. Josh and I are back together. We are trying to make things work and make things right. Its gonna be a whole lot of work and effort but I think we can make it right. So I'm excited to see what happens and where the future goes!

Weekend Recap

So Thursday afternoon I learned how to play pitty pat, kind of. It was interesting, they kept trying to get me to play with my dollars. Not happening though. I won one hand, so I would of lost like 10 bucks. Good thing I didn't play with money, I would of not been happy. Then around 4:50ish, I left to drive to Columbus. Yes, Columbus. This is my blog, I don't need to hide stuff. I went to see Josh before he left for Arkansas for a month. If you don't like it, tough. I always manage to leave when traffic is heavy, why I don't know, doesn't make much sense. But I finally got there around 7 and Josh was passed out. I woke him up and we went and got some Raising Cane's, which is amazinggg! Came back home, watched a movie and just hung out. It was nice.

Friday was a busy day. We went shopping and got pedicures. Yes, Josh got a pedicure! haha, I love it. We got some food, actually ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. Neither one of us have done that in a while. I helped him pack, ok well not really, lol. Then we just hung out for a little while and went to sleep. Then Saturday morning he left for Arkansas :( Even though were not dating, saying goodbyes still suck. Its only a month long, but still. He's been a part of my life for so long, I'm not a fan of goodbyes. Maybe we can meet up when I am in Oklahoma, since we'll only be a state apart, hint hint ;) haha. We would be 6 hours away from each other, according to google maps time, which means probably 4 or 5.

Saturday night I started my job. I'm training to be a server. Which is kind of dumb for me to start because I only get to work yesterday and today, then im off until 20 June I believe, because of surgery. Which is why I am headed to Oklahoma. I can't work, so why not enjoy these 2 weeks before reality starts and I work all the time. Oh, and in case you were wondering, surgery is on Tuesday, this Tuesday 7 June. Not excited. Kind of really scared. The one person I wish was there, can't be there. Even if he wasn't in Arkansas, he probably still wouldn't be there. Just sucks.

But I absolutely adore him. Through all the bad and all the good. I love him. I will always love him.

Can't fall back to sleep...

So here I am 12:15am eastern standard time and I can't fall back to sleep. Of course, the one person who is on my mind is the last person who needs to be on my mind. He's the first person I wake up thinking about and the last person I go to bed thinking about. I'm trying to be this tough person, I really am. But lets face it, I miss him. I miss everything about him. And him being in our hometown this past weekend just sucked, because of course I didn't get to see him. Of course he didn't want anything to do with me. I should of known better. I miss being the one to make him smile. I miss his goofyness and his way he could make me laugh so easily. I miss him.

At times I fell like he misses me too, because I will get random texts from him saying things like I'm sorry or I really fucked up. I want to believe that he is sorry or that he really thinks that, but I usually get these messages after he has had a few to drink. He has admitted though that the saying "drunken words are sober thoughts" is true. It still doesn't hurt any less, because I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him "baby, it will be okay. we can get through this." But I don't ever get that chance, nor will I probably ever and I don't know if I want to all the time. But I still just need to say that to someone at least, even if it is to my blogger friends.

This is far from loneliness talking, because I have spent many nights away from him between the Army and work, so I'm used to the sleeping apart thing. This is me legititmitly missing my best friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life. People say it gets easier, fuck that. It has done nothing but get harder. And now he leaves for a month to Arkansas. So, I won't get to see him for a month, if not longer, seeing as he wants to not see me. So yeah, pretty much just FML!

I miss my stealer of the covers, my nascar driver, my blued eyed devil, my tickle monster, i mostly miss my best friend, I miss the man I fell madly in love with.

Memorial Day Hits Close To Home!

This Memorial Day, I will say a few extra prayers. You see not only are we to honor the fallen who have sacrificed so much, we need to honor our current and future leaders. Without them, we would not be living in this great place called America. I have so much respect for the men and woman in uniform. Even before Josh and I dated, I had always admired them and hoped to one day join. Then I met Josh and I couldn not have been more proud to say he was my man. For everything that he had done and is doing. I am so incredibly proud of him, weather he wants me to say that or not. I am proud of every single service member we have. So with that, I want to thank you. I want to thank your Soldier for serving and you for standing by your man.

This weekend, my area lost a soldier of our own. I didn't personally know him, but a lot of my friends did. "U.S. Army Spc. Adam S. Hamilton, 22, of Kent, was killed in Haji Ruf, Afghanistan, after his unit was attacked with an improvised explosive device (IED)." His facebook is flooded with farewell messages. He touched the lives of so many, and he loved being a soldier!

Here is the link: http://www.ohio.com/news/122814679.html
And here is a special tribute we are doing on facebook, today: Candle Light Vigil

So be sure to hug your soldier, tell them thank you, express how much you love them.

Dreams..

So for the past week I keep having dreams of either me dying or Josh and I getting back together. Weird, huh? I can't really explain it, because I don't know why myself. But last night, once again, I had a dream that Josh showed up at my house, apologized for everything, took me in his arms and kissed me for what felt like eternity. Then of course I woke up right when it was getting good. And when I fell asleep again, I had another dream. Josh had basically shut me out, told me to never talk to him again, but for whatever reason we were on the street and when he told me that I walked to a empty bus stop thing and I sat down. Well in the middle of me crying, some guy was being chased by the police and ran into the bus stop I just so happened to be sitting in and bam, the whole thing blew up. There I lay on the ground, not sure if I was dying or what, but Josh was no where to be found. And when I woke up I was crying real tears. I don't really know what is going on in that brain of mine.

On a lighter note, I went to my friends house last night for a little bit. Mainly because I am at a loss as to what to do (previous post), so I thought I would just go and try to clear my head and ask the boys their opinion. But obviously they were all biased towards me, which I love but it wasn't helping the situation. I had a little fun. It was nice to just forget about everything, even if it was for only a few minutes at a time.

In Need of Neutral Ground

So its way beyond my bed time, but I can't sleep. Josh wants to know who told me all the information about him cheating on me. And I am really struggling with whether or not I should tell him. Obviously if I knew that telling him would make things okay with us, to the point where we can at least be friends again, then I would tell him. But there is no guarentee that any of that will happen. There is that chance that if I tell him who it was, then he will just take that information and never talk to me again. That is clearly not what I want, I want him, I want my best friend back, I want my babe back. That is not happening though, so friends is the second best thing. But he isn't giving me a clear answer, so what if I do tell him, then where does that leave me, obviously no where because he would have no reason to talk to me anymore. But in the same sense, if he isn't gonna talk to me anymore, I am perfectly fine with never telling him who it was. I don't want to give him anymore satisfaction. He already got what he wanted, me gone, out of his life. So what's the point of telling him. He said in order for us to get to the level of being friends again, he would have to know who it was who told me. The crappy thing is, I am really bad at keeping secrets. So even if I do hold off, I'm sure one day down the road I would crack.

I tried to talk to my friends tonight, but they are obviously all biased towards me and my feelings, and they think he doesn't even deserve to be talking to me still. But those are my friends and I love them and wouldn't expect anything less from them. I just can't find anyone who is neutral territory, somebody from the outside. So I am asking you, yes the one reading this, what should I do. Obviously if you haven't read my last couple of post, you might want to do that to understand what is going on, but im literally stuck. I am stuck between telling him who it was and MAYBE having the chance to be somewhat friends again, or just not telling him at all and probably never talking to him again...Yeah he did A LOT of not so nice stuff that is in no way easily forgivable, but lover conquers all, at least in my heart.

42 days

It has been 42 days since my baby has been in Missouri. 42 days seems like a million more then it really is. 24 more days until I get to see my favorite baby blues, my favorite lips and hug my favorite man. 24 long dayss. I am only going for the weekend, I'll get to St. Louis on Friday, 6 August around 8ish and leave Sunday, 8 August around 6ish. Having him here for his weekend pass for the fourth was amazing, I wish it didn't have to end. Just as I was getting used to him being gone, he comes home. Then as I am getting used to having him around again, he leaves. I balled my eyes out the whole car ride home, just like I did the first time when he left. So I can only imagine how I will be walking through the airport, eyes all puffy and red. But it is so worth it, anytime I can see my man is worth it, even if its only for the weekend. Exactly 80 days until he is done with BOLC and gradauted, 80 moreeee days. Ughhh, I can't look at it in days, I'll go crazy. So 12 Fridays, 12 more Fridays and he'll be back in Ohio, safe and sound.