he says I did nothing. he says he is the one who changed. he says he doesn't love me anymore. but you know what I call bullshit. you don't just fall out of love with someone, you don't. not so suddenly anyways. i think he just let work and this deployment swallow him whole and he doesn't know how to balance everything out. deep down I know he still loves me and is still in love with me, I know he is, because we had some great times in between all the stressful times. I just want the love of my life back. I want him, all of him, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad. But he won't talk to me, but yet I did nothing. My heart is broken, it hurts. I need him to fix it.
*Babyy, if by chance you are reading this, I really hope you change your mind. We don't have to do the whole living together thing. But we can do this, we can make it. I love you more than anything in this world. Please don't just quit on us. We've been through too much already to just quit on each other. I love you Joshua and I really really hope you change your mind, soon. I miss you.*
i want my terdactyle, wet willing giving best friend back. i want nothing more than to sit on the couch for hours and watch the three stooges marathon. i want to wrestle over the covers in bed. i want him to take the trash out so i can put the bag in. i want to hear good morning beautiful, have a good day as he kisses me just while leaving for work. i want to pack his lunches again. i want to make him dinner again. i want my babe back. i would give anything to have him not give up.
i dont know what to do anymore. im back at home yes, but i have been gone for so long this isnt home. i dont have friends up here anymore. i dont have anyone to call anymore. i was so happy with our little home, that i became so blinded to him not loving me anymore
well ladies, he did it. the man i love more than life itself broke up with me. not only did he break up with me, he told me to get out of hisss house, last time i checked it was ourr house. he claims he is not in love with me anymore and he doesnt have the desire to fall in love with me again. such a smack to the face. i knew things were stressful because of his job and all the stuff he has to do for the upcoming deployment, but i never thought he would actually give up on us. he was my best friend,, my partner in crime, my love, my heart, my number one fan. and now he is just giving up because, he wants to be single and be on his own, his exact words.
so i had to unenroll out of school. and he is the one who wants me to finish so bad. my parents and sister came yesterday to move me back home. so this is me writing from my old bedroom, the one place i dont want to be. i waited around before i a,
ctually left our home yesterday to try to talk to him one more time, to get him to change his mind. but he never came home until really late. so i not only didnt get to say goodbye, i have no closer. but i dont want closer, i want him. i want to wake up to him everyday from now until forever. i want to m, ake us breakfast on the weekends again
So, I have put off blogging for a while...I don't really know what to say. I mean I have a lot to say, but I don't know if I should or not. But I am having a not so good day, so I'm gonna just ramble and say what needs to be said, for my own peace of mind.
The past month, babe and I haven't been doing so well. He is distant and all I wanted was for him to talk to me, but he doesn't. I mean he talks to me of course, but he doesn't tell me how he is feeling. Were alike in too many ways, we both keep stuff in until we just eventually explode. And well, this is what happened...he basically told me he didn't know if he still loved me anymore and that there was no reason for us to be living together anymore because he didn't plan on getting married anytime soon, so why play the "married" lifestyle? My heart broke, right there in that moment. The man I love more than anything in this world, doesn't love me anymore...
Me moving down to Columbus with him was his idea back in December and now I'm not wanted anymore. I picked up my life and moved down here, with no regrets. I still have no regrets. I loved him so much, that I was ready to wake up next to him everyday and now I just get thrown out like a piece of trash. Okay, maybe not that extensive, because technically I am still living here, but that is what it feels like.
We were perfectly fine, until the news of the deployment broke...then everything changed. It's like I became a burden in his life instead of someone who would be there to love and support him throughout this whole process. I knew from the very beginning of our relationship that a deployment would eventually happen. And I told him from the very beginning that I would support him with whatever he chose to do, and I still stand by that. Of course I am sad that he is going, but I am so unbelievably proud of him, for everything that he has accomplished thus far and everything he will accomplish in the future. I don't know if he is pushing me away intentionally because he is leaving for 13 months, or if he really just doesn't love me anymore. Either way, its killing me. I understand, he has a lot going on & 13 months is a long time, but I want to be with him, I love him.
I have been through much worse in my life, losing two children & a divorce. Granted, the divorce wasn't that hard because it all happened for the wrong reasons and the best thing was to get away from that low life POS. But, losing two children, one of which is his, is the hardest thing to ever have to go through. The first time was pure hell and the second time was just torture. We had just started "dating" when it happened. It wasn't planned and neither one of us knew about it until it was too late. But I can't help but think of how different things would be right now if that baby would have made it. I try not to think about it too much because I can't change things that happened in the past, but lately it has been on my mind, a lot.
Babe was the one person who kept pushing me to succeed. He was the only person who was really in my corner. My parents and I have a tough relationship at times, and Babe was the one constant in my life. We made it through him going to Ft. Leonard Wood last summer with no problem. I know a deployment is going to be different because I won't get to visit him or talk to him when I want or need too. But I want to be the one he can call when he is having a bad day, I want to be one the one he can't wait to see again. Most importantly, I want to be his Princess again. I want him to tell me he loves me again. I want to hear or read Good Morning Beautiful or Good Night Sweetheart. I want to be able to look into his gorgeous baby blues and know that I am safe in his arms again...
Okay, I'm done rambling. I know its completely irrelevent to anything, but I needed to get that out because he doesn't give me the chance to actually say it to him. I doubt it will make a difference, but it will at least giving me a little bit of a piece of mind, for now anyways...
So I haven't posted anything in a while. A lot has been going on and I am not really sure how to put it down into words. There are good days and bad days. I just hope to have more good then the bad. I recently started my second quarter at Ohio State, its getting better. Last quarter I didn't care for it much, but this quarter I actually am enjoying it. Babe is skeptical, because I changed my major yet again, but I am satisfied with it. I had to do something because he wants me to go back home when he leaves, IF I do go back home, everything I am taking now would be a waste and the same with if I go back to Akron. He is dead set on me going back home, but now that I am here, and I am enjoying Ohio State, I don't want to go back home. Going back home is only going to delay me graduating even longer, which frustrates me. I want to be done just as much as everyone else wants me to be done. But all this going back and forth with not everything transfering back & forth is a waste of my time and money. So why not let me stay down here? When he comes home I should only have about 2 quarters left and I would be graduating, finally. But if I go back home, God only knows when I would graduate because I don't know if anything I am taking now will even matter to Akron.
I talked to my advisor about it and she gave me a list of classes that will for sure transfer from Akron back to Ohio State if I came back, but that list consists of 5 classes. That is one semester. What about the other semester? Do I waste my time and take classes that I know won't transfer back, if I do come back down here? Im just so frustrated and overwhelmed because I want to stay down here. But I can't financially afford to live on my own completely and it sucks. Everytime I try to talk to Babe about it, I feel like he just shuts me out. Like, its his opinion or no opinion. Like I said, completely frustrating. And I want to take summer classes, but if I am just going to get "kicked out" of my home, how is that going to happen. So I am now looking for a new job, a better paying job. I am currently a pharmacy tech, but the pay I get for all the work I do is rediculous. But hopefully I can find a better job, that will let me live on my own if need be...
And of course I talk to my mom and the first words out her of mouth are, "You can't afford to live on your own!" Thank you, for reminding me of what I already know. I swear she can be so unsupportive. And the last thing I want is to be living under her roof again...