Can't fall back to sleep...

So here I am 12:15am eastern standard time and I can't fall back to sleep. Of course, the one person who is on my mind is the last person who needs to be on my mind. He's the first person I wake up thinking about and the last person I go to bed thinking about. I'm trying to be this tough person, I really am. But lets face it, I miss him. I miss everything about him. And him being in our hometown this past weekend just sucked, because of course I didn't get to see him. Of course he didn't want anything to do with me. I should of known better. I miss being the one to make him smile. I miss his goofyness and his way he could make me laugh so easily. I miss him.

At times I fell like he misses me too, because I will get random texts from him saying things like I'm sorry or I really fucked up. I want to believe that he is sorry or that he really thinks that, but I usually get these messages after he has had a few to drink. He has admitted though that the saying "drunken words are sober thoughts" is true. It still doesn't hurt any less, because I just want to wrap my arms around him and tell him "baby, it will be okay. we can get through this." But I don't ever get that chance, nor will I probably ever and I don't know if I want to all the time. But I still just need to say that to someone at least, even if it is to my blogger friends.

This is far from loneliness talking, because I have spent many nights away from him between the Army and work, so I'm used to the sleeping apart thing. This is me legititmitly missing my best friend, my partner in crime, the love of my life. People say it gets easier, fuck that. It has done nothing but get harder. And now he leaves for a month to Arkansas. So, I won't get to see him for a month, if not longer, seeing as he wants to not see me. So yeah, pretty much just FML!

I miss my stealer of the covers, my nascar driver, my blued eyed devil, my tickle monster, i mostly miss my best friend, I miss the man I fell madly in love with.

Memorial Day Hits Close To Home!

This Memorial Day, I will say a few extra prayers. You see not only are we to honor the fallen who have sacrificed so much, we need to honor our current and future leaders. Without them, we would not be living in this great place called America. I have so much respect for the men and woman in uniform. Even before Josh and I dated, I had always admired them and hoped to one day join. Then I met Josh and I couldn not have been more proud to say he was my man. For everything that he had done and is doing. I am so incredibly proud of him, weather he wants me to say that or not. I am proud of every single service member we have. So with that, I want to thank you. I want to thank your Soldier for serving and you for standing by your man.

This weekend, my area lost a soldier of our own. I didn't personally know him, but a lot of my friends did. "U.S. Army Spc. Adam S. Hamilton, 22, of Kent, was killed in Haji Ruf, Afghanistan, after his unit was attacked with an improvised explosive device (IED)." His facebook is flooded with farewell messages. He touched the lives of so many, and he loved being a soldier!

Here is the link: http://www.ohio.com/news/122814679.html
And here is a special tribute we are doing on facebook, today: Candle Light Vigil

So be sure to hug your soldier, tell them thank you, express how much you love them.

My Happy List

I am not much of a happy person lately, but the one thing that can

always make me happy is my dog.

His name is Chi Chi and I absolutely adore him.

But on that note, I don't exactly know how to be happy. How to enjoy life again.

All my "friends" do is drink pretty much, its cool once and a while,

but its not my cup of tea ALL the time. I need new friends.

Although I am extremely excited to make the drive to go see my best friend at

Fort Sill, Oklahoma aka Lawton.

Not so excited to have this surgery soon...

I Confess

I confess: that I am completely heartbroken.

Yes its been almost 1 month exactly since all the badness happened, since my life

fell apart, since I lost the love of my life, my best friend.

I confess: I want him. I want every part of him. I want our plans to fall through, all of

our hopes and dreams that we shared. Our one day owning a big piece of land

and building OUR dream home, and him getting me a horseyy!

I confess: I want to be able to hug him goodbye when he leaves for deployment.

I want to be his number one supporter. I want to be his biggest fan.
I want to be able to share this deployment with him.
I want to be the overly excited, can't wait to see my love in the airport

when he gets R&R, I want to get to pick out that amazing outfit
for his homecoming. I want to be able to throw an amazing going
away party and coming home party for him!

I confess: I am hurt. I am sad. I am angry. I am broken.

I confess: We are still good friends. I still talk to him almost everyday. We battle
each other in Words With Friends (by the way, if you have it, play me)
everyday.

I confess: I thought I was doing better. I think I feel like I took 20 steps back because

he is in our hometown for the weekend. I should have known he wouldn't
want to actually see me. Let alone, maybe hang out. It hurts, I hurt...

I confess: I will miss him when he leaves next week for his month long trip to Arkansas.

I confess: I miss him!



Good News/ Bad News

Bad News:

I am having surgery on June 7th for the abnormal cells they found a couple weeks back.

I'm a little freaked out, but hopefully it will go well.

Good News:

June 8th I am traveling to Oklahoma to see my best friend in the entire world.

I am pumped! Not so pumped with all these tornados because I have to drive right through

Joplin and through Kansas aka Tornado Alley. I'm a little nervous, but say some prayers that no

bad weather occurs while I am driving!

Blank..

Ever have those days where you have so much to say but you can't find the words to get it out right. Yeah, that is me right now. In my head I have a million things I want/need to say, but I stop myself. A.) People I know actually read this now B.) I don't know if I am ready to share some stuff C.) I feel like I have to watch what I say now because people I actually know read this. Don't get me wrong, I have never hidden this from anyone, in fact the link is on my facebook, but no one ever saw it I guess, until now. I know it is my blog and I should be free to say whatever it is I want, but for now I am being reserved. Josh still reads this from time to time, and that doesnt bother me one bit, because well he has always read it, I have never hid it from him, nor will I ever. It just people who used to be a part of my day to day life, have "stumbled" upon my blog. I'm not sure how I feel about them having access to "my life", my every thought and feeling. So today I am being reserved, I will hold back what I want to really say...

Anyone else ever have days like that?





{one} what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?


I haven't been on a "date" with someone I have just met in so long, so I don't have a bad one.


{two} if you could be any other person for one day, who would it be?

Princess Catherine. I have always wanted to know what it would be like to be treated like royalty.


{three} what is your favorite kind of cheese?

I absolutely LOVE cheese. Mozzarella and Colby Jack are my favorites though.


{four} do you remember your 1st grade teacher?

I do! Her name was Mrs. Elliot. She was my favorite teacher, I have pictures of us together.


{five} who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?

No one anymore, although I'm guilty to say, sometimes Josh.


{six} were you ever in a school talent show?

I have been in a couple when I was little. Don't remember what for though.


{seven} who is your favorite fictional character?

Umm. Carrie Bradshaw? haha.


{eight} can you open your eyes underwater?

No. It freaks me out, so I would never try.


{nine} do you look at the keyboard when you type?

Not usually. Unless I am typing laying down.


{ten} when was the last time you took a nap?

Monday afternoon. And my wakeup was wonderful, after the initial scare.

Does Time Really Heal All?

So everyone tells me, time heals all. But in fact it really doesn't. Yes, with time you learn to live a life without that person but it never gets easier. I am not crying as much these days, in fact, its been a good couple of days. Does that mean it is getting easier, NO! I still miss J so incredibly much. Yes, I am surviving, but do I want to without him, NO! Were still friends and we talk still, but sadly I doubt we will get back together. Which kills me to say because I love him with every breath I take. He leaves for a month long training in a little less than 2 weeks. So he will be gone all of June. Then he comes home for a couple of weeks and he will be gone for 13 long painful months. He is still my best friend in every sense of the word. I still love him so much, through all of the hurt he caused. Will we get back together ever? I honestly don't know, but he will always be my friend. So yes I am making it, only because I have no other options.

Rain Rain...

GO AWAY!!

It has been raining for days. Last time I checked I didn't live in Seattle.

Really puts a damper on my mood & I'm sick because of it.

Not a good day!

Pray for sunshineee! I need some vitamin D

My Weekend (Picture Heavy)

So Blogger went on a haitus there for a couple of days, hopefully it is done doing that. Last time I blogged I was waiting for the doctor, well, I'm still waiting for the results. I've learned in the military world, "No news is good news", I am going to apply that to this situation as well. Although I should know by today or tomorrow. And well the job interview went wonderful, and the guy interviewing me was gorgeous, so that made it easier to handle, lol. They told me I wouldn't hear anything about it until the 20th after they interviewed everyone. So keep your fingers crossed still.

So let me recap my weekend for you. It was actually A LOT of fun...(be prepared for pictures)

Thursday - I went to the Usher concert with Tina and Natalie up in Cleveland. We stopped at the Harry Buffalo for drinks, shots and food before the concert. The food was excellent. That was my first time being there and I was highly impressed. I want to go back, but I don't think there is one any closer to me. After drinks and food, we walked over to the Quicken Loans Arena for the show. Such an awesome concert. Usher is just beyond gorgeous and his dancing is to die for. He actually pulled a girl out of the crowd onto the stage while he sung Trading Places. Not gonna lie, I was way jealous. She was really calm though and just kept wiping him with a towel. My hands would of been EVERYWHEREEE, hahaha. If you get to see the OMG Tour 2011, it is an awesome show. And the best quote of the night was from Akon. "I don't see how Lebron could leave Cleveland with all these beautiful woman here" All the ladies went crazy after he said that.

Friday - I went with a big group of friends to see the Sugarland concert at Blossom. When I left my house to meet up with everyone it was pouring down rain. I dont mind it raining at concerts, because a lot of the times it is more fun, but it was already chilly out and we all had shorts on. Luckily though, by the time we left my friends house the rain had stopped. We rolled into blossom 6 cars deep, it was hilarious. We all  hung out at our cars, drank, played corn hole, and even grilled some food before we went into the concert. I was being more of a social butterfly then actually paying attention to the concert in the beginning. Then when I tried to pay attention to the concert, my friends were falling out left and right. I am always the motherly one taking care of everyone, so I heard like one song the entire concert. Now, it wouldn't be a concert if someone didn't go missing. And well someone did, lol. So we finally found that person and was walking back to the cars to leave. We were probably 500ft away from the cars and it just started down pouring, no sprinkle or anything. We ended up playing in the rain for a little while because getting out of Blossom takes foreverrrr, so we were in no hurry. Overall, it was a fun night!



Our send me backstage shirts ;)




Inside the concert




After we got rained on!

Saturday - One of my really good friends Mel, at Army Sweetheart, got MARRIED!!! Now I met Mel through our boyfriends, my now EX and her now HUSBAND!! We basically all lived together in the boys old house. The wedding was absolutely beautiful. All of her hard work payed off! Sadly, my camera decided it was going to break before I even left my house. So now I am camera-less and I have no pictures of her or us together. But check out her blog, she has a few posted! Now with the bride and groom being mutual friends of ours, of course Josh was there. We didn't sit together in the church, in fact I didn't see him until he texted me to come sit over there. Not gonna lie, I was nervous to see him. I don't really know why but my palms were so sweaty. But that passed quickly. We actually didn't talk until the wedding reception itself, minus small talk in the church about the reception. We were supposed to sit at seperate tables, but the reception hall messed it up, and we ended up at the same table. Which in the end, turned out to be okay, because I'm sure we would of ended up sitting next to each other anyways. We were civil, were friends. It's obvious the feelings are still there on both ends, his friends even saw it, but were friends. And we will remain friends. But here are the only 2 photos I got to take, and their only of me, so sad!

Sunday - I went to the mall with my little god-sister and her son Jake. He is such a wild child, but super handsome. I can't believe he will be 2 soon. I feel olddd! After that I went to Jenner's house for Margarita's and girl talk. It was so nice to just be able to vent and well talk about people and things. After we had a bunch of marg's each, we thought it would be great to practice our line dancing for the Dusty Wednesday night, because last Wednesday we all sucked. We ended up learning 2 and trying to piece together the one we had learned, but failed.

That was my amazing weekend with friends. Hope yours was just as wonderful. And Happy Military Monday! Be sure to thank a soldier for everything they do!

Job Interview!

I have a job interview today at 2:30!! Prayers are needed because that means goodbye to my parents house and hello to my own apartment again, accept alone this time...

So, pleaseee think about me around 2:30 today that I get this job! :)

Another battle for the books..

So, I went to the girl doctor a couple of weeks ago for that, "not so comfortable, hope everything is normal checkup", and well I got a phone call saying I had to come back in because something wasn't right, but of course they couldn't just tell me on the phone, and I had to wait a wholeee week because my doctor was super busy. I guess spring means everyone goes for their yearly exam. So the entire week I have been kind of freaking out and doing lots of wondering as to what it could be.

Well, I finally went yesterday. First thing I asked when the doctor walked in was, "Why am I here, again?", he then goes on to explain to me that some of my cells "caught their attention", im still really confused at this point. So I get another exam done, a not so pleasant one at that, and come to find out I have cervical cancer. Well I have the cells that produce cancer. I have to wait until my biopsy comes back to find out if they are active cells or not and if they are mild, moderate or severe. I am scared. He kind of explained to me what would happen if they have to be removed and let me tell you, it sounds painfulll. I have only told 5 people, don't plan on telling anyone else unless of course you stumble across this. But whatevvv.

My life is just one constant battle. Its one thing after another. But I will get through this. Just needs lots of prayers that everything turns out for the best. That is all, for now!

I left the house..

FINALLY! I actually went and met up with some friends. I didn't have a horrible time, just still trying to adjust. But here's some pictures :)

I don't know how to make them be normal, so bear with them being sideways!

Happy Mother's Day!

So today is a bittersweet day for me. In a way it is a reminder of everything I have lost, but I am thankful. I am thankful to have TWO little angel babies watching over me today and everyday. My son who was born November 10, 2006 & my little baby B in October 09.

My son was born at 5.5 months. He lived for 3 hours. That was one of the hardest days of my life. But I know I have such an amazing little boy watching over me and smiling down. And little Baby B, we never got to know if it was a boy or girl because I miscarried, but I like to think it was a girl, just because Josh wanted a little boy so bad. I am thankful and blessed to have such two amazing little angels watching over me everyday. And I know when the time is right, I will get to have my own little family and celebrate holidays like today with them.

But, I can't leave a few special people out..

1. My mother. We have our moments, but at the end of the day she is my mother. And I know she loves me. And when I need help she is always there to pick me up and help me, whether she approves or not. She has her own way of being supportive, but I love her no less. She is part of the reason I am as strong as I am today. And I will always love her.
2. My 2 amazing sisters. They keep me sane half of the time. They really are my best friends. And they are amazing mothers to my nieces and nephews. Never thought I would see the day where we would be best friends because we terrorized each other so much when we were little. But I love them & I am so lucky to have them in my life.
3.My best friend. My God-Sister. God, we have been through so much. I have known her since I was like 5. She is the mother to my amazing little god-daughter, Kendra Ann & they are expecting another little baby around Thanksgiving. I am so excited for her and her husband. And I miss my little baby because they live all the way in Oklahoma now, good ol' military.
4. My God-Mother herself. She is such a beautiful person. She has never put up with my shit and she always knows the right thing to say. And her cooking skills are out of this world.

These are just a few of the people who have made such an impact on who I am today. And I just want to wish them and all of you a very Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy today, it is your day!

Dreams..

So for the past week I keep having dreams of either me dying or Josh and I getting back together. Weird, huh? I can't really explain it, because I don't know why myself. But last night, once again, I had a dream that Josh showed up at my house, apologized for everything, took me in his arms and kissed me for what felt like eternity. Then of course I woke up right when it was getting good. And when I fell asleep again, I had another dream. Josh had basically shut me out, told me to never talk to him again, but for whatever reason we were on the street and when he told me that I walked to a empty bus stop thing and I sat down. Well in the middle of me crying, some guy was being chased by the police and ran into the bus stop I just so happened to be sitting in and bam, the whole thing blew up. There I lay on the ground, not sure if I was dying or what, but Josh was no where to be found. And when I woke up I was crying real tears. I don't really know what is going on in that brain of mine.

On a lighter note, I went to my friends house last night for a little bit. Mainly because I am at a loss as to what to do (previous post), so I thought I would just go and try to clear my head and ask the boys their opinion. But obviously they were all biased towards me, which I love but it wasn't helping the situation. I had a little fun. It was nice to just forget about everything, even if it was for only a few minutes at a time.

In Need of Neutral Ground

So its way beyond my bed time, but I can't sleep. Josh wants to know who told me all the information about him cheating on me. And I am really struggling with whether or not I should tell him. Obviously if I knew that telling him would make things okay with us, to the point where we can at least be friends again, then I would tell him. But there is no guarentee that any of that will happen. There is that chance that if I tell him who it was, then he will just take that information and never talk to me again. That is clearly not what I want, I want him, I want my best friend back, I want my babe back. That is not happening though, so friends is the second best thing. But he isn't giving me a clear answer, so what if I do tell him, then where does that leave me, obviously no where because he would have no reason to talk to me anymore. But in the same sense, if he isn't gonna talk to me anymore, I am perfectly fine with never telling him who it was. I don't want to give him anymore satisfaction. He already got what he wanted, me gone, out of his life. So what's the point of telling him. He said in order for us to get to the level of being friends again, he would have to know who it was who told me. The crappy thing is, I am really bad at keeping secrets. So even if I do hold off, I'm sure one day down the road I would crack.

I tried to talk to my friends tonight, but they are obviously all biased towards me and my feelings, and they think he doesn't even deserve to be talking to me still. But those are my friends and I love them and wouldn't expect anything less from them. I just can't find anyone who is neutral territory, somebody from the outside. So I am asking you, yes the one reading this, what should I do. Obviously if you haven't read my last couple of post, you might want to do that to understand what is going on, but im literally stuck. I am stuck between telling him who it was and MAYBE having the chance to be somewhat friends again, or just not telling him at all and probably never talking to him again...Yeah he did A LOT of not so nice stuff that is in no way easily forgivable, but lover conquers all, at least in my heart.

Last night..

Josh came up to see me last night, im sure it was only because he wanted his stuff from my car, but he came and we talked, for two and a half hours. It was soo nice. Although the entire time I just wanted to kiss him and scream what is wrong with you? Although we were talking quite seriously, we could still laugh and joke and have fun together. A lot has been done, and I mean a lot. I honestly don't believe he doesn't love me anymore. If he didn't love me, why would he wipe my tears away, why would he drag the conversation and walking out for as long as possible because his exact words, "I don't want the conversation to end". I know he still loves me and I know he misses me, it is just his ego talking when he says no. I swear I could hug him forever and be completely content in his arms.

A Moment of Weakness...

So I have been debating on whether or not I should even post this. I will probably debate about it even if I do end up posting this or not. But anyways, I had a moment of weakness. It was Tuesday night, it was the day my world had come crashing down on me. Everything and I mean everything that could go wrong, went wrong. My now ex-boyfriend had informed me of details about his cheating habits, which I guess I kind of forced out of him because I wanted to know. Found out my financial aid was a goner. Realization of not having a job sunk in. All of my friends are walking around me on eggshells, afraid they will say the wrong thing. Yes, I am not happy. I don't exactly know how to get happy again. My entire world came crashing down. All of my hopes and dreams came crashing down with them. Everything gone, just like that. I don't really have a reason to live anymore, at least thats how it feels right now. So I did the unthinkable, I won't say how I did it, but I tried to make myself sleep forever. I obviously failed because I am still around to type this, but I tried. I cant really say I won't try again because quite frankly I don't have much to live for right now. But then again, maybe I won't. It's a day to day thing. The hurt I feel is unbearable at times. I just can't get over that fact that he cheated on me that long ago and could still act like everything was fine. In fact, Halloween weekend, when he cheated on me with his ex, was the same weekend I found out I got into Ohio State. The same weekend that sealed the deal of OUR future, the life that we could start together, and he cheated on me that same night. I want to hate him, I really do, but I can't. I still worry about him. In fact he is having his teeth pulled tomorrow. I was supposed to be the one taking him and taking care of him, not his mother. I was supposed to be one the feeding him popsicles and ice cream until he got better. Now dont get me wrong, I love his mother, she is amazing, but its supposed to be me taking care of him, not her. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone keeps telling me he isn't worth my time, he cheated on me. That I need to just move on. Well, I don't love easily in the first place, so for me to just give up on someone I love is hard, it is really really hard. I'm stuck in this never ending battle of love & hate and I don't know how to get out of it. I know I need to give up, because well, he's given up on me. And I know I should absolutely hate him for everything he did to me, but how? I am really really struggling here, so comments, suggestions, anything would be much appreciated..

What's Your Song Link-Up?

It's Thursday already, wow my days have blurred together so bad. But it is a new day with a new challenge. So for this weeks song I picked a song I found over at My Crazy Random Life. It's Taylor Swift and well I am not the biggesttt Taylor fan but this song kind of stuck in my head. I know its sappy and sad, but thats how I am feeling this week. So without further ado, here it is..

Lyrics:

I still remember the look on your face

Been through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered for just us to know

You told me you loved me so why did you go away, go away

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane

That July 9th the beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you're showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in

I'm not much for dancing but for you did

Because I loved your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

And I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

Never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips, ohh

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe

And I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you, you wish you had stayed

We can plan for a change in weather and time

I never planned on you changing your mind

So, I'll go, sit on the floor wearing your clothes

All that I know is I don't know

How to be something you miss

I never thought we'd ever last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss, forever the name on my lips

Forever the name on my lips, just like our last

Wordless Wednesday

One of the best summers I ever had.

I'm Done..

I am over this. I am over everything in my life. How can my life go from perfect to completely ruined in a matter of days. I have not one thing to live for anymore. Everyone says myself, but I don't feel like that even matters anymore. Found out I can't get my financial aid now because apparently you have to complete so many credit hours for which you enroll. Well lucky me had to withdraw from this quarter, so there goes a wasted 15 credits and now because of that I am no longer elgible for financial aid. This list of bullshit, miserableness just keeps getting worse. I still have no job. The one person who can even make this remotely a little bit better, won't. Because he just wants to be a whore and fuck anyone and everyone. My whole world has literally been shattered. Nothing is right. So therefore I'm done. I am throwing in the towel. I don't know when it will happen, but I don't have a desire to live anymore. Everyone thinks I am this incredibly strong person, and at times I am, but maybe I hit my low point. I hit my point of not caring about life anymore. I hit my point of not having a reason to exist anymore.

I love you more than anything JRB

You Are All Incredible!

So I made my blog look beautiful and a little more like ME! I am happy with my end results. Now I just need some more followers & some new people to follow. Give me suggestions, I love juicy gossip & all things military, still.

On another note, thankkk you for all the incredible support and words of encouragement. Each and every one of you ladies are absolutely amazing. It is going to be a long road ahead of me, so I appreciate it, more than words can say.

I talked to J a little more last night, but my phone ended up dying because I went to the movies to see Fast Five. FYI -movie was fantastic. Paul Walker & Vin Diesel are sooo sexy, mmm. I recommend seeing it. But I don't really remember what was said, except for he feels awful, which he should. He never intended on me finding out about him cheating on me, which is stupid, because EVERYTHING always comes out, eventually right? I still can't wrap my head around all of it. I know J coming clean was hard for him, but I still haven't got a I'm sorry. I don't know if I ever will either. I asked him if he regretted it, all I got was an "I feel terrible about it". If he called me today and told me he was sorry and he wanted to make things work, I feel like I would try. I know its dumb and I need to tell myself once a cheater, always a cheater. But I was also taught to never give up on someone you love, you fight for what is yours. But that's just letting my mind think, because he isn't sorry about what he did and he doesnt regret it...

I hope you enjoy my new layout :)

What's Done In The Dark, Always Comes Out In The Light

Where do I begin? I have had suspicions that J was cheating on me for a couple months now. But every single time I would ask him about it, I got the same answer, "I'm not cheating on you. I haven't cheated on you. I don't know why you always think that". Well here's a good answer to that, because I'm not an idiot and I know the signs of cheating. Your not my first run at this game, although you were the best...

So let me get down to details. After moving back to my parents house, I was beyond devastated. My whole world had been turned upside down. The love of my life - didn't love me anymore. So my "friend" informed me of a lot of eye awakening situations about this so called love of my life. They told me that he wasn't the person I thought he was, at all. And they had been wanting to tell me for a while now. But they didn't want to see me beating myself up over this when I did absolutely nothing wrong. So here's what was brought to my attention:

1. This so called man who I did everything for, had cheated on me, multiple times.

2. Kicker number two: he cheated on me back when he was in FLW for CHEM BOLC.

3. It gets better. He has cheated on me multiple times since he has been back & thought it was completely okay that I never knew.

1. As much as my suspicions were telling me he was cheating on me, it is still so hard to have the words be true. Of course I didn't want it to be true. This is the man I absolutely adore, I didn't want him to be cheating on me. I wanted it to all be me just being crazy. My heart broke all over again when I was told it was true.

2. Number two is what really breaks my heart. I NEVER would have thought he would cheat on me at Ft. Leonard Wood, NEVER. And for it to happen twice!! And of course it was with the skanky girl in the bunch. What kills me is, I only knew she was the skanky girl of the bunch because of all the shit he had talked about her to me. Turns out, the skanky girl got to sleep with my man, twice. I swear I almost threw up when I was told this.

3. Halloween weekend, of 2010, he cheated on me with....you ready for this? His ex-girlfriend!! Talk about a slap in the fuckin face. The same girl who broke up with him because she couldnt handle the Army lifestyle & at that point in time the Army was treating him calmly. But what really gets to me is, he was at a party with ME! He left this party we were at together, told me he was going back to his old house because they were having a party there. And in all reality he went to go fuck his ex-girlfriend, and nothing against the girl, but she isnt very pretty. Im not very prettty myself, but I think I am a couple more steps up on the ladder than her. He left me to go fuck his ex-girlfriend and then came back to me like everything was fine the next morning...but wait there's more. He also cheated on me 3 weeks ago (before we even broke up) with the same ex-girlfriend again...

I am heartbroken crushed! I thought I hurt before all of this. This is a whole new level of hurt. This is betrayal. This is disgust. This is the worst thing a person can do to someone. You ask how I know all of these things. Well my "friend" had informed me that he had cheated on me, didn't know details or they just weren't sharing the details. I found all this out from J himself. See I was sitting in my room earlier and he called me. I almost didn't answer the phone because I didn't know if I was going to confront him or just let it go and not talk to him ever again. Well I answered the phone. The conversation just kind of led in that direction, so I asked. At first he only admitted to cheating on me just 3 weeks ago and that that was the only time he cheated on me. Then I kept asking more questions because I knew he was lying to me. So he finally admitted it to me, that yes he cheated on me in Missouri last summer. Halloween was just another smack in the face because we were great around halloween. It was a long and hard conversation for the both of us. But I can say I am thankful that he had enough courage to not lie to me anymore. I could tell in his voice how hard it was for him. And it almost broke my heart to hear him hurting like that, but I had to realize, HE did this NOT me. I can't feel bad for someone who did this to himself.

He literally took my heart, stomped on it a bunch of times, spit on it, stomped on it some more, then broke it and threw it away. And it didn't occur in his head not once that maybe what I am doing isn't right. I can't believe I was so blind to not see all of this. I let love cloud my judgement that bad & before you say anything about me, J had to put in some work with me to get where we were. I had walls built sky high, he'll even admit it took him a while, but he finally made those walls come crashing down. And he does this to me...I look so stupid. I look really stupid in front of his friends because they knew he did all of this, but yet they can still smile in my face and come to our home and talk to me like everything is fine. So maybe its guys code bullshit, but I say fuck that. If someone cheats on someone you know, man the fuck up and tell the truth.

I am so angry and disgusted and hurt and heartbroken. I have never felt pain this bad from someone who claimed to love me. Especially from someone who I thought I would be with forever. Guess the jokes on me, huh?

Proud Is An Understatement

The man who killed and terrorized so many people is finally dead. Justice is finally found. Some sort of closure for all of those families. Although this is only the beginning of something new, because there is no way all of his followers will just stand back and let this go. I am incredibly proud to be an American today and everyday. And I am so proud of all of my many friends and family serving our country who have made this all possible. And I am so incredibly proud of my "friend", as well. Even after everything I found out (I'll save that for later), I can still say I am proud of him, as much as I hate him.

God Bless All Of Our Men & Woman Serving! YOU Made This Possible.