A Moment of Weakness...

So I have been debating on whether or not I should even post this. I will probably debate about it even if I do end up posting this or not. But anyways, I had a moment of weakness. It was Tuesday night, it was the day my world had come crashing down on me. Everything and I mean everything that could go wrong, went wrong. My now ex-boyfriend had informed me of details about his cheating habits, which I guess I kind of forced out of him because I wanted to know. Found out my financial aid was a goner. Realization of not having a job sunk in. All of my friends are walking around me on eggshells, afraid they will say the wrong thing. Yes, I am not happy. I don't exactly know how to get happy again. My entire world came crashing down. All of my hopes and dreams came crashing down with them. Everything gone, just like that. I don't really have a reason to live anymore, at least thats how it feels right now. So I did the unthinkable, I won't say how I did it, but I tried to make myself sleep forever. I obviously failed because I am still around to type this, but I tried. I cant really say I won't try again because quite frankly I don't have much to live for right now. But then again, maybe I won't. It's a day to day thing. The hurt I feel is unbearable at times. I just can't get over that fact that he cheated on me that long ago and could still act like everything was fine. In fact, Halloween weekend, when he cheated on me with his ex, was the same weekend I found out I got into Ohio State. The same weekend that sealed the deal of OUR future, the life that we could start together, and he cheated on me that same night. I want to hate him, I really do, but I can't. I still worry about him. In fact he is having his teeth pulled tomorrow. I was supposed to be the one taking him and taking care of him, not his mother. I was supposed to be one the feeding him popsicles and ice cream until he got better. Now dont get me wrong, I love his mother, she is amazing, but its supposed to be me taking care of him, not her. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone keeps telling me he isn't worth my time, he cheated on me. That I need to just move on. Well, I don't love easily in the first place, so for me to just give up on someone I love is hard, it is really really hard. I'm stuck in this never ending battle of love & hate and I don't know how to get out of it. I know I need to give up, because well, he's given up on me. And I know I should absolutely hate him for everything he did to me, but how? I am really really struggling here, so comments, suggestions, anything would be much appreciated..

I'm Done..

I am over this. I am over everything in my life. How can my life go from perfect to completely ruined in a matter of days. I have not one thing to live for anymore. Everyone says myself, but I don't feel like that even matters anymore. Found out I can't get my financial aid now because apparently you have to complete so many credit hours for which you enroll. Well lucky me had to withdraw from this quarter, so there goes a wasted 15 credits and now because of that I am no longer elgible for financial aid. This list of bullshit, miserableness just keeps getting worse. I still have no job. The one person who can even make this remotely a little bit better, won't. Because he just wants to be a whore and fuck anyone and everyone. My whole world has literally been shattered. Nothing is right. So therefore I'm done. I am throwing in the towel. I don't know when it will happen, but I don't have a desire to live anymore. Everyone thinks I am this incredibly strong person, and at times I am, but maybe I hit my low point. I hit my point of not caring about life anymore. I hit my point of not having a reason to exist anymore.

I love you more than anything JRB