Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Moment of Weakness...

So I have been debating on whether or not I should even post this. I will probably debate about it even if I do end up posting this or not. But anyways, I had a moment of weakness. It was Tuesday night, it was the day my world had come crashing down on me. Everything and I mean everything that could go wrong, went wrong. My now ex-boyfriend had informed me of details about his cheating habits, which I guess I kind of forced out of him because I wanted to know. Found out my financial aid was a goner. Realization of not having a job sunk in. All of my friends are walking around me on eggshells, afraid they will say the wrong thing. Yes, I am not happy. I don't exactly know how to get happy again. My entire world came crashing down. All of my hopes and dreams came crashing down with them. Everything gone, just like that. I don't really have a reason to live anymore, at least thats how it feels right now. So I did the unthinkable, I won't say how I did it, but I tried to make myself sleep forever. I obviously failed because I am still around to type this, but I tried. I cant really say I won't try again because quite frankly I don't have much to live for right now. But then again, maybe I won't. It's a day to day thing. The hurt I feel is unbearable at times. I just can't get over that fact that he cheated on me that long ago and could still act like everything was fine. In fact, Halloween weekend, when he cheated on me with his ex, was the same weekend I found out I got into Ohio State. The same weekend that sealed the deal of OUR future, the life that we could start together, and he cheated on me that same night. I want to hate him, I really do, but I can't. I still worry about him. In fact he is having his teeth pulled tomorrow. I was supposed to be the one taking him and taking care of him, not his mother. I was supposed to be one the feeding him popsicles and ice cream until he got better. Now dont get me wrong, I love his mother, she is amazing, but its supposed to be me taking care of him, not her. I'm just so frustrated. Everyone keeps telling me he isn't worth my time, he cheated on me. That I need to just move on. Well, I don't love easily in the first place, so for me to just give up on someone I love is hard, it is really really hard. I'm stuck in this never ending battle of love & hate and I don't know how to get out of it. I know I need to give up, because well, he's given up on me. And I know I should absolutely hate him for everything he did to me, but how? I am really really struggling here, so comments, suggestions, anything would be much appreciated..

6 comments:

Stephanie Solis said...

I know exactly how you feel, I felt like there was nothing worth living for and well my husband did cheat as well with some girl in Korea :( but don't harm yourself because someone else is being stupid and isn't in their right mind. I didn't know where I was gonna live after (cause my mom and dad I dont get along with), I didnt know how I was going to pay for school and I didn't know how I was going to get my appts for my hypothyroid or even get medication. I was about to lose everything. be strong, days get harder but as the days go by, you wont cry no more and you'll soon realize that you wont care anymore. Me and my husband are still together but when we argue, I don't cry and I quite frankly don't care. After the four months of pain he put me through I am not sure I love him the same anymore, but I'm trying to keep our marriage. Stay strong girl, don't let him see you hurt, don't let him still have you in his hands, he'll realize it soon and he will regret it. Its always true. If you ever need to talk you can email me at steph_rosado19@yahoo.com or facebook.com/itzstephanie.

I know what your going through but don't give up. Everything will get better for you! Meet new people, it helps alot! It helped for me.

Ashley D. said...

Let me just start by saying, that I know that I don't really KNOW you, but I have been following your blog. I realize that you have been hurting for quite some time and while they aren't words, please know that I am incredibly sorry for the pain you are going through. But, can I just say that you, your life, is worth it. As hard and difficult as things may seem, YOU are still worth it. I don't know when or how, but I do know that things will get better and that eventually you will be able to use this dark time in your life to help others.

I can just tell from your blog that you are one amazing girl and that ex of yours, well he is just missing out. You can get through this, and I hope you will seriously consider talking to someone or getting some help to get you through this dark time. You know, the only place left to go from where you are is up.

This may be forward, but feel free to email me anytime if you want to talk or get something off your chest. I promise I won't judge you. I've had some dark times in my life too. Hang in there, Lauren. Even though it doesn't seem like it, everything is going to be okay.

kirstieJayy said...

*new follower from blog hop here*

can i just say im glad i stumbled amung your page when i did.
not so long ago, my ex-fiance ended everything between us. no whys or wherefores. its was a bad break up. [previous blog posts explain]
but i was/have been going through the same as you. maybe not to the exact degree, but its still there. i resorted to old e.d habits and s.h. i shouldnt have. it took a while, but slowly things are getting there. my family and close friends helped me so much.
just know, that although i dont 'know' you per-say, i am here if you do need someone to rant to!

http://kirstiejayy.blogspot.com/
zutealicious[@]hotmail[.]com

x

Julie said...

You are worth it and things will get better! Please do not hurt yourself. It is going to be tough for a while, but you can get through it. In the meantime, while it is tough and you are having these negative thoughts, please see someone for help. We all need help sometimes. Talk to someone who can get you through this.

Melissa said...

I will honestly say that I am worried about you. Please don't do anything to harm yourself! I know it sucks, especially when everything hits you all at once. You are such a beautiful person inside and out, and you *are* worth it! You deserve nothing but happiness in your life and I am so sorry that this is such a difficult time for you right now. Just take it a day at a time and things will get better, with time. And we can't always get through things on our own. Like I said, I am always willing to chat if you need to talk about anything and sometimes that really helps to get things off of your chest. Please get help!

Ashley N. said...

I am not going to tell you what you already know. I am going to tell you however that it gets worse before it gets better. If you love him you can't change that...I do however pray you find something to live for. Something that makes you want to get up every day. The feeling of loneliness and uselessness is something I know well. I am worried about you. I have been reading your blog for a while but never have had something I needed to say to you. You seem like such a beautiful person. The world is an ugly dark place where bad things happen to amazing people who don't deserve it. You are one of those people. You never deserved what he did. You never deserved that heart break. But it happened....sadly. I hope everyone's words of hope and love give you a small ray of happiness.