Monday, May 2, 2011

What's Done In The Dark, Always Comes Out In The Light

Where do I begin? I have had suspicions that J was cheating on me for a couple months now. But every single time I would ask him about it, I got the same answer, "I'm not cheating on you. I haven't cheated on you. I don't know why you always think that". Well here's a good answer to that, because I'm not an idiot and I know the signs of cheating. Your not my first run at this game, although you were the best...

So let me get down to details. After moving back to my parents house, I was beyond devastated. My whole world had been turned upside down. The love of my life - didn't love me anymore. So my "friend" informed me of a lot of eye awakening situations about this so called love of my life. They told me that he wasn't the person I thought he was, at all. And they had been wanting to tell me for a while now. But they didn't want to see me beating myself up over this when I did absolutely nothing wrong. So here's what was brought to my attention:

1. This so called man who I did everything for, had cheated on me, multiple times.
2. Kicker number two: he cheated on me back when he was in FLW for CHEM BOLC.
3. It gets better. He has cheated on me multiple times since he has been back & thought it was completely okay that I never knew.

1. As much as my suspicions were telling me he was cheating on me, it is still so hard to have the words be true. Of course I didn't want it to be true. This is the man I absolutely adore, I didn't want him to be cheating on me. I wanted it to all be me just being crazy. My heart broke all over again when I was told it was true.

2. Number two is what really breaks my heart. I NEVER would have thought he would cheat on me at Ft. Leonard Wood, NEVER. And for it to happen twice!! And of course it was with the skanky girl in the bunch. What kills me is, I only knew she was the skanky girl of the bunch because of all the shit he had talked about her to me. Turns out, the skanky girl got to sleep with my man, twice. I swear I almost threw up when I was told this.

3. Halloween weekend, of 2010, he cheated on me ready for this? His ex-girlfriend!! Talk about a slap in the fuckin face. The same girl who broke up with him because she couldnt handle the Army lifestyle & at that point in time the Army was treating him calmly. But what really gets to me is, he was at a party with ME! He left this party we were at together, told me he was going back to his old house because they were having a party there. And in all reality he went to go fuck his ex-girlfriend, and nothing against the girl, but she isnt very pretty. Im not very prettty myself, but I think I am a couple more steps up on the ladder than her. He left me to go fuck his ex-girlfriend and then came back to me like everything was fine the next morning...but wait there's more. He also cheated on me 3 weeks ago (before we even broke up) with the same ex-girlfriend again...

I am heartbroken crushed! I thought I hurt before all of this. This is a whole new level of hurt. This is betrayal. This is disgust. This is the worst thing a person can do to someone. You ask how I know all of these things. Well my "friend" had informed me that he had cheated on me, didn't know details or they just weren't sharing the details. I found all this out from J himself. See I was sitting in my room earlier and he called me. I almost didn't answer the phone because I didn't know if I was going to confront him or just let it go and not talk to him ever again. Well I answered the phone. The conversation just kind of led in that direction, so I asked. At first he only admitted to cheating on me just 3 weeks ago and that that was the only time he cheated on me. Then I kept asking more questions because I knew he was lying to me. So he finally admitted it to me, that yes he cheated on me in Missouri last summer. Halloween was just another smack in the face because we were great around halloween. It was a long and hard conversation for the both of us. But I can say I am thankful that he had enough courage to not lie to me anymore. I could tell in his voice how hard it was for him. And it almost broke my heart to hear him hurting like that, but I had to realize, HE did this NOT me. I can't feel bad for someone who did this to himself.

He literally took my heart, stomped on it a bunch of times, spit on it, stomped on it some more, then broke it and threw it away. And it didn't occur in his head not once that maybe what I am doing isn't right. I can't believe I was so blind to not see all of this. I let love cloud my judgement that bad & before you say anything about me, J had to put in some work with me to get where we were. I had walls built sky high, he'll even admit it took him a while, but he finally made those walls come crashing down. And he does this to me...I look so stupid. I look really stupid in front of his friends because they knew he did all of this, but yet they can still smile in my face and come to our home and talk to me like everything is fine. So maybe its guys code bullshit, but I say fuck that. If someone cheats on someone you know, man the fuck up and tell the truth.

I am so angry and disgusted and hurt and heartbroken. I have never felt pain this bad from someone who claimed to love me. Especially from someone who I thought I would be with forever. Guess the jokes on me, huh?


Just a Girl said...

No offense, but what an asshole. You are WAY better off without him. And girl, you are beautiful don't ever think that you aren't!

Delainey said...

I agree with the above statement!!! OMG. This is what you need to do. Build a big bonfire somewhere and torch all the shiz he's ever given you/ you still have of his. That a hole doesn't deserve to be with someone so loving and supportive of him.

Hang in there!

Andrea V. said...

WHAT AN ASSHOLE! Oh my God! Lauren, I can't believe this is the guy that wanted you SO badly back in middle school and now that he finally has you he does this!

There are many piece of shits out there like him, but one day you will find someone that deserves you and appreciates everything you do for him. This child does not.

If you ever need anything or want to talk, please don't hesitate to call or text me.

Lauren said...

Thanks Everyone!