it's official, im 23

so my birthday was fantastic minus having to work. but i went to dinner with my closest friends, Jenner, Kenny, Danny, Jenn, Bryan, baby Kendra, Kelly, and the boyfriend Josh. We went to O'Charley's in the Falls. I had an amazing steak, it was sooo good. It was the first time Jenner, Kelly and I have all been together at the same time, so we finally got to document all of us having dark hair. Def wont be like this for much longer because Kelly is in stage one of going back to blonde, and i am starting to want my hair lighter again. Overall, the night was great. I love having ALL my friends together, minus Nick because he was a meany and couldnt get off work.

Brunette's ;)

After dinner was over Jenner, Dominique, Kathryn, and I went to BG Breez and to the Valley. Lets just say i was down for the count after we left the Breez all thanks to the ladies. Mainly Neeka, she was buying drink after drink for me. She claims it was pay back from her birthday. Pay back was an understatement. I slept in the car on the way home, Jenner had a photoshoot with me. And lets just say the bathroom floor turned into my bed. And the next day, I dont even have words for the next day. I was so miserable. Definitly the worst hangover I ever had..

Some of the bitches :)

All in all, the night was greattt. Birthday Party Saturdayyy :)

Quotes

So for whatever reason im an insomniac and cannot sleep for anything tonight. so im passing time until i have to actually get up and get ready for class and what not.

one -- Best friends are reason we have empty fridges,dirty rooms, inside jokes, extreme makeovers,true personalities & friendship.

two -- we have the fuck-you attitudes, the party-hard-personalities, and honestly we dont care if we mean a damn thing to you.

three -- Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more. -The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks

four -- the best love is the kind that awakens the soul, and makes us reach for more, that plants fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds and thats what you've given me -The Notebook

five -- i don't know where i'm going, all i know is that i want you to be there standing next to me

six -- you make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like bird, dizzy in my head

seven -- the feelings i have for you, i cant explain. its the way my heart beats when someone mentions your name.

eight -- send me flowers; kiss me in public; let me know im loved

nine -- You know that feeling where for a split second everything makes sense ? Like the world and your place in it has been all figured out? It only lasts a second, but in that second you become enlightened. Well being with you is like a million of those feelings hitting me all at once... and I won't lose that. I can't loose that, I can't loose you. Maybe to some that's not love, maybe to some it might even be unhealthy and wrong, but not to me. No, to me that's exactly what love is. It's finding someone who makes the world a little less confusing.

ten -- I know that there are some things about yourself that you think you would like to change. But you should know that there's someone out there who's gonna like you for everything you are, including those parts of you that you don't even like. Those are gonna be the things that person likes most.

eleven -- I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say that there was no one else that you could ever be with & that you wanted to be with me.-One Tree Hill

twelve -- Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?

thirteen -- The most incredible feeling is knowing that I make you happy.

fourteen -- If we fall in love because someone makes us laugh, what happens when we no longer find them funny? If we fall in love because someone is beautiful, what happens when that beauty fades? If we fall in love because someone can provide for us, what happens when they lose their wealth? Because love defies all reasons. When you truly love someone, you can't just find a reason. You just do.

Birthday Birthday

So my Birthday is in 2 days, yesss 2 more days!!! Not excited to be turning 23 though. ha. Just thought i would give out some birthday present hints. haha.

• L'amore domina senza regole -- Love rules without rules. I want to get this tattooed on my foot. It is Italian and it's just amazinggg.
• A North Face Jacket -- hopefully mother-dearest comes through with that one
• Jewelry -- i lovee diamonds and any thing else from Kays or Jared's, im not picky ;)
• Shoes -- heels, boots, some new shocks
• Clothes -- im a girl, i love clothes
• Purses -- bigg black bags with cute big wallets to match them (black is more neutral)
• Flowers -- as an added extra of course..haha
• Boyfriend -- for my boyfriend to actually attend & enjoy my birthday festivities ;)

I'm spoiled, what can I say. hahahaha

5 day weekends are amazing

so i had off from work thursday through monday (tomorrow) and can i tell you just how amazing it was. i spent my entire day thursday looking for shoes to wear with my dress for friday. i went everywhere possible. finally found a pair, on sale at that too, at a little store in the hood called tomorrows. and go figure it was the last place i stopped too. but here's the shoes..

they were great, all except the top part kept getting stuck on my dress but i managed. i was soo nervous to go. i didnt like my dress anymore, i had to partake in the events with the boyfriend, i was just all sorts of frustrated. but i went and i had a blast. Josh is Battalion Commander so we got to sit at the head table in front of everyoneee. and we had to walk in seperate from everyone else. all i kept thinking to myself was, "dont fall on your face, lauren." ha Josh probably would of never spoken to me again. but here's the final outcome of myself. Jenner did my hair, well she did the hard part of curling it all. sooo thanks muchhh besst frannn!!

Since we were sitting at the head table, i figured it would be rude to whip my camera out and take pictures, so i didnt. just as the main part of it was over and the dancing and stuff was starting, Josh decided he was ready to go and didnt inform me until we were walking out of the hotel. so since we didnt get to take not one photo together there, i made him take some with me when we got home with my stupid timer on my camera. this was the outcome. haha

Saturday night, Josh and I went to the PBR-Professional Bull Riding Competition (http://www.pbrnow.com/), up in Cleveland at the Q. There were animal rights activists lined up outside holding their signs and what not, didnt quite understand that, but whateverrr. We ended up walking back and forth a couple times before we actually found our seats because the stupid people kept sending us to the wrong entrances. Once we got to our seats everything was good. I had a blast. Never been to one before and I will definitly go back. Boyfriend enjoyed it and he fit in sooo well. haha. A couple of the cowboys got beat up by the bulls, but thats expected. James Otto put on a concert afterwards. It was good. We stayed for half of it, then we left.

Boyyfriend & I

It was definitly one of the best weekends I have had in a while, all thanks to my wonderfullly amazing boyfriend. I finally went to my place of residence today after like 9 days of being at his house. I dont like it, ha. I'd much rather be in his bed right now, and i got nothing accomplished since i came home, and still havent did anything. but im going to bed now. Nighty night everyone

Olympics

So i've never had any care in the world to watch the Olympics, that is until my boyfriend. he likes to bore me with stuff like Nascar & the Olympics. But i actually like to watch the Olympics. I find it amusing when they crash. ha. i have issues, this i know. but just in case you like to watch the Olympics, here's the website to see who is winning what: http://www.vancouver2010.com/
USA is currently in first place. Yesss!!!

valentine's presents

so i was talking to jennifer about valentines day, and she told me about this little bed and breakfast lodge down in Amish Country. They are sooo cute, but go figure their all booked except for one and its from sunday to monday and well Josh has PT bright and early and we both have class. so that definitily ruined that plan. but here's the website. i thought it was worth sharing.

http://www.amishcountrylodging.com/

Oh man, there is a whole bunch of them and they are all so cute. i think i fell in love. they look so cozy and relaxing. haha

http://www.bedandbreakfast.com/berlin-ohio.html

<3

Quotes

1. It's when you can't stop smiling and he's the one you feel happiest with. There's just that one thing about him you just don't see in other guys; and when you're not with him, the only place you want to be is in his arms.

2. I'll screw up, I'll push you away if we're getting too close. I won't trust you until you've proven yourself I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally, but I'll love you with everything I have, and if that isn't enough, then I'm not enough.

3. "The best lyrics are the ones that give you goosebumps, or make you cry in public or help you realize the answers."-Katy Perry

4. "You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time."-He's Just Not That Into You

5. "Love is not a maybe thing, you know when you love someone."-Lauren Conrad

6. "I'm not saying girls are perfect, cause we know that's not true. But why be unfaitful to her if she's always been true to you?"-Tupac

7. Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

8. It’s your c h o i c e. It’s black and white. Not a shade of gray. Because when you LOVE someone, there’s no such thing as h a l f w a y.

9. Because love means facing your biggest fears.

10. Maybe you`re just scared, because for once someone actually wants to be with you.

11. If you're holding back feelings because you're afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting anyways.

12 more days

Holy bajezies ;) - its already the 12th of February. this is by far my favoritest month everrr. Its not only Valentines Day, but its my birthday too - only 12 more days and i'll be half way to 46. I'm looking forward to both days again. Although i can admit, im slacking on the present buying thing this year, well not really, but i have to re-buy because the first present got sold. holidays are cute and all and i love getting presents, what girl doesnt, but its not something i expect. i would much rather stay at home (or in my case, joshs) and just make dinner and watch movies. dont get me wrong now, im all for romancing - i just dont expect it. its about being with the person you love, not who can buy who the best present. but like i said before, presents are great. lol...

update: boyfriend and i are back together :) he is a jerk and a meany but i loveee him and he loves me. am i still mad at what he did to begin with, yes, but i am not going to let that stop me from living my life. he makes me happy, so why not cherish that. life's too short to be anything but happy right?

i finally got to see my other half tonight. she re-dyed my hair, apparently i was two-toned in the back. it was good just to see her and catch up. i miss her too much. but i was washing my hair out for the second time when i got home and realized all of my belongings are at Josh's house, including my blow dryer. needless to say my hair is going to look insane in the morning.

the snow finally stopped, for now. and my street got plowed tonight, that made me happy. ohhh and im getting better with my driving skills in the new whipski, i definitly got myself unstuck this morning all by myself. made me happy. so did the morning sex i had. bahahahaha ;)

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card, I am not a “dependent” or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions…smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where “I love you and I’m okay” speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girlfriend. The events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness.

I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don’t forget about me.

Wonderful Ohio

So i woke up Saturday morning to a blizzard, literally. there was a good couple of feet of snow on the ground. it was quite depressing actually. had to be at the work place at 9, definitly never made it there. i tried digging my car out numerous occasions. just made it get stuck even more. and i just bought a new SUV - but stupid me didnt buy one with four wheel drive. not the best idea ever. the neighbors saved the day though. but the very next morning i got stuck AGAIN. lets just say last week was horrible for me. some guy from Canada ended up saving the day and getting my unstuck. Lets hope this snow storm coming in Tuesday night isnt as bad. the weather people are predicting 6-10 inches of snow. come on no tuesday night class. haha.

but im finally going to see dear john tonight. im soo excited. and its 5 dollar movie night. makes it even better. =)

love is the easy part

sooo i called my recruiter back this morning. just waiting for that phone call. maybe he can answer some of my many questions that i have. i guess this push is what i needed. my family and friends and him were the only thing keeping me around. but my family would be upset at first but i just want to make them proud and i know my dad would be sooo proud of me deep down. he hasnt been doing the best lately with his health so i want to cherish what time i do have left with him around, although i dont want to jinx anything. my friends, my select group of really close friends whom i adore with everything in me, they will be mad. especially my girlfriend ;) and my husband, but just think them seeing me graduate from basic would be amazing. then they would know i made the right choice. and well him, its hard to say his name anymore, but we talked, kind of. and he is questioning alot of things right now, and well me and my love and his love for me is one of those. if you have that many doubts that it actually pushes us apart from each other, chances are it wont work out. do i want that, no!! but its out of my control. just know babe that i love you and i was the one person who would have been in your corner no matter what decision you made. you chose to leave me though. him doing this just gives me the motivation even more to leave. if you dont have love you dont have anything.

on another note, dear john comes out today!! yay, probably goin monday night to see it. you know 5 dollar nights. haha. im cheap what can i say. but im gonna ball my eyes out, this i already know, especially right now. but the book was soooo good. i have to see the movie. <3

sooo i have a nice kitty scratch on my face from bubba, jenner's kitten. he likes me more than her. hahha ;) even though i hate cats. but we had tequila and pringle night last night. just us two. it was fun. except dont ever buy cheap tequila, its def no good. you should have saw us trying to swallow this stuff. it was amusing. gonna probably finish that bad boy off this weekend.

i talked to my husbandy last night. he loves me and he'll kill for me. well not literally, just talk about it with me. bahahaha. but our birthdays are 3 days apart. mines the 24th and his is the 27th. were supposed to do dinner on my birthday and were having a party on his for both of ours, but i just dont feel up to celebrating. all i want to do is lay in my bed and be alone. im hurt so i guess i want other people to hurt, but i really dont, thats why im choosing to stay in my bed so i dont show my mean side. because its not fair for everyone else. but idk, he claims he is forcing me out of my house, jenner too. so we'll see. but im about to go get my study on. byeee loves <3

skipping classs

so its 5:50 eastern standard time (and FML, thats def a josh thing), my class starts at approximately 6:40 and im not going. fuck it. one day won't hurt me, right? i'll probably regret that in a week or two but im just not feelin it today. went to the doctors this morning, but i have to go back 2 times next week. stupid girl time. haha. but guess what? this little lady is all the clear to have babies whenever my little heart desires. ha he cant hold that against me anymore. but work sucked, i didnt speak to anyone, literally. all i kept doing was staring at the door, deep down wishing he was going to walk in the door and just say he was sorry, he loves me and everything be okay. but rightttt that didnt happen.

there is so many stupid little things that remind me of him everywhere. 9 months with a person sure is showing. ughhh enough - i need to get myself back together. it just kills, i forgot what it felt like to be hurt by someone. with my ex, i had hated him for so long before we actually split up, that when we did part ways, it was easy. this on another hand isnt easy - to go from being perfectly happy and in love to having your heart ripped out - no this isnt easy.

talked to the army recruiter again today. he wants me to take my ASVAB. im still a little skeptical. but idk, we'll see

Theory of a Deadman - Wait For Me

Wait For Me

You are not alone tonight

Imagine me there by your side

It's so hard to be here so far away from you

I'm counting the days till I'm finally done

I'm counting them down, yeah, one by one

It feels like forever till I return to you

But it helps me on those lonely nights

It's that one thing that keeps me alive

Chorus:

Knowing that you wait for me

Ever so patiently

No one else knows the feeling inside

We hang up the phone without saying goodnight

Because it's the sound of your voice that brings me home

It's never been easy to say

But it's easier when I've gone away

Chorus:

Knowing that you wait for me

Ever so patiently

Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and

It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

Bridge:

What I'd give

What I'd do

Knowing I'm not there for you

Makes it so hard to leave

What I'd give

What I'd do

Anything to get me home to you

And this time I'll stay

And you wait for me

Ever so patiently

Yeah, you're everything I've ever dreamed of having and

It's everything I need from you just knowing that you wait for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qpc9deWGtKs

i wish i could just hate you...

okay so here's an update from what happened earlier at lunch. he basically told me that because i didnt have a clear picture of when i was graduating from college that things wouldnt work. because he has a "plan" and it isnt willing to alter the plan whatsoever. i couldnt even say anything to him because i was going to cry my eyes out. honestly how fair is that? i respect what he does, i respect that he has a plan. but the fact that he is trying to make a decision about us and our relationship now and he isnt leaving until june to go to fort leonard wood. i opened my heart to him and this is how it gets repaid to me. bammm lauren your not good enough no matter what you do or dont do, but i love you. honestly fuck you. fuck you for making me fall in love with you. fuck you for making me happy. fuck you for making me a better person. i feel like i have a stamp on my forehead, just use her for your personal satisfaction then you can just throw her away. fuck you for joking that you were going to get rid of me for valentines day and my birthday because you were serious. fuck you for ruining my birthday too.

clearly you have made it known that im not part of the plan, nor good enough to even want you to consider to be part of the plan. i promised myself i wouldnt let myself get hurt and here i am crying my eyes out all day long. so much for that promise i made to myself. i wish i didnt have feelings. i wish that i didnt love you. i wish that you would not have came back into my life. i wish that you wouldnt give up so easy, i wish that you would try to make things work. but mostly i wish you didnt make me as happy as you do. i wish i didnt fall asleep instantly because i was laying next to you. i wish you didnt give me that comfort that you do. i wish i hated looking into them baby blue eyes. i wish i hated how amazing the sex is. i wish i hated wrestling with you. i wish i hated trying to talk politics with you. i wish i hated cooking you dinner and doing your dishes. i wish i hated doing your laundry. i wish i hated how you would just look at me. i wish i hated how you got along so good with my friends. i wish i hated how you farted in front of me. i wish i hated how you would act like a five year old. i wish i hated how you always corrected my grammer. i wish i hated your driving. i wish i hated how handsome you were. i wish i hated how i think your sexy as hell in your ACU's or nothing at all. i wish i hated how you would let me pick out your clothes. i could go on and on and on....

but thats the thing, its only a wish. you were brought back into my life for a reason, that im for sure of. remember when i told you i fight for the people i love. well your making this a really difficult fight. well my eyes are burning, so im probably gonna go cry myself to sleep now.


Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them. ♥

february madness

so for my english class i just read a story about blogs. made me think about mine. its been like a month since i've been on here. i know, i know im slackin. so much has been happening. school is back in so all my time goes to that now basically. but here's a little update about my life: boyfriend is good. friends are great. i just recently purchased a new SUV. its cute and sporty and girly and i love it with all my heart. i'll be sure to post a picture soon. but its all mine, no more leasing. fyi: i dont recommend leasing unless you have money to throw away. its nice if you want a new car every three years and can afford to do that. but lets me honest here, im a college kid. im broke. and to have just thrown away 11,000 dollars for a 3 year lease makes me want to cry when i think about it. lol. but i purchased this vehicle, so its allll mine :)

well its officially my birthday month. thats exciting. the countdown has begun. only 21 more days until my birthday. not that im looking forward to getting older, because im not. not at all. and more than likely there will be a freak snow storm on my birthday or that weekend because thats just how it usually goes. its my wonderful luck.

valentines day is coming up. i should be excited about it this year because i actually have an amazing boyfriend whom i love deeply, but im not. i was up until last night anyways. this is what happened. i went to wings for our usual tuesday night outtings with the gang. well i was asking questions on what to get my boyfriend for valentines day, jenner brought up the monster truck show thing. so she texted him and asked if he would be interested. and well he wasnt so much. so he then told me not to get him anything for valentines day. me being me, i dont listen. i love giving presents, when i can afford them of course. but he was like, "we need to finish our conversation from last night", which was just him mentioning he was thinking about the future. it wasnt really a conversation at all because he didnt got into details. so all night im thinking to myself, "what the fuck did i do, i have been a good girlfriend, right". he basically has me second guessing every move i've ever made with him, and i hate it. its bullshit.

its bullshit how a guy can have that much control over you. i told myself i wouldnt fall in love again. i was going to protect my heart from getting hurt like it had been. then along comes Josh, i had my guard up for so long with him. i protected myself. and well him being mr wonderful to me, i fell for him. and me having a miscarriage just reassured me how amazing he is. he was there for me every step of the process. that right there automatically bonds us for life. he would have been an amazing father. but things happen for a reason. but the bottom line is, i fell and i fell hard for him. yeah he is in the army and is leaving in june. but we already talked about me coming to see him and what not. i dont just fall in love and let my guard down with someone who i consider a fling. thats a long haul thing there babe.

but were going to lunch today because he wants to finish this talk. kelly conivinced me to ask if it was a good talk or bad talk. he responds back to, "i dont know yet". then he was like "i have some questions and concerns." WTF...really. and your just now saying something. me coming into the relationship i knew he was in the army, i knew that he was leaving for fort leonard wood and i knew that he could deploy. but i still stayed around. why would i stay around if i couldnt handle the situation. you do some crazy things for love. lets just hope he understands no one person has the upper hand in a relationship. its not fair for him to keep doing this too me.

ily <3