okay so here's an update from what happened earlier at lunch. he basically told me that because i didnt have a clear picture of when i was graduating from college that things wouldnt work. because he has a "plan" and it isnt willing to alter the plan whatsoever. i couldnt even say anything to him because i was going to cry my eyes out. honestly how fair is that? i respect what he does, i respect that he has a plan. but the fact that he is trying to make a decision about us and our relationship now and he isnt leaving until june to go to fort leonard wood. i opened my heart to him and this is how it gets repaid to me. bammm lauren your not good enough no matter what you do or dont do, but i love you. honestly fuck you. fuck you for making me fall in love with you. fuck you for making me happy. fuck you for making me a better person. i feel like i have a stamp on my forehead, just use her for your personal satisfaction then you can just throw her away. fuck you for joking that you were going to get rid of me for valentines day and my birthday because you were serious. fuck you for ruining my birthday too.
clearly you have made it known that im not part of the plan, nor good enough to even want you to consider to be part of the plan. i promised myself i wouldnt let myself get hurt and here i am crying my eyes out all day long. so much for that promise i made to myself. i wish i didnt have feelings. i wish that i didnt love you. i wish that you would not have came back into my life. i wish that you wouldnt give up so easy, i wish that you would try to make things work. but mostly i wish you didnt make me as happy as you do. i wish i didnt fall asleep instantly because i was laying next to you. i wish you didnt give me that comfort that you do. i wish i hated looking into them baby blue eyes. i wish i hated how amazing the sex is. i wish i hated wrestling with you. i wish i hated trying to talk politics with you. i wish i hated cooking you dinner and doing your dishes. i wish i hated doing your laundry. i wish i hated how you would just look at me. i wish i hated how you got along so good with my friends. i wish i hated how you farted in front of me. i wish i hated how you would act like a five year old. i wish i hated how you always corrected my grammer. i wish i hated your driving. i wish i hated how handsome you were. i wish i hated how i think your sexy as hell in your ACU's or nothing at all. i wish i hated how you would let me pick out your clothes. i could go on and on and on....
but thats the thing, its only a wish. you were brought back into my life for a reason, that im for sure of. remember when i told you i fight for the people i love. well your making this a really difficult fight. well my eyes are burning, so im probably gonna go cry myself to sleep now.
Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, It's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them. ♥