Wednesday, February 3, 2010

february madness

so for my english class i just read a story about blogs. made me think about mine. its been like a month since i've been on here. i know, i know im slackin. so much has been happening. school is back in so all my time goes to that now basically. but here's a little update about my life: boyfriend is good. friends are great. i just recently purchased a new SUV. its cute and sporty and girly and i love it with all my heart. i'll be sure to post a picture soon. but its all mine, no more leasing. fyi: i dont recommend leasing unless you have money to throw away. its nice if you want a new car every three years and can afford to do that. but lets me honest here, im a college kid. im broke. and to have just thrown away 11,000 dollars for a 3 year lease makes me want to cry when i think about it. lol. but i purchased this vehicle, so its allll mine :)

well its officially my birthday month. thats exciting. the countdown has begun. only 21 more days until my birthday. not that im looking forward to getting older, because im not. not at all. and more than likely there will be a freak snow storm on my birthday or that weekend because thats just how it usually goes. its my wonderful luck.

valentines day is coming up. i should be excited about it this year because i actually have an amazing boyfriend whom i love deeply, but im not. i was up until last night anyways. this is what happened. i went to wings for our usual tuesday night outtings with the gang. well i was asking questions on what to get my boyfriend for valentines day, jenner brought up the monster truck show thing. so she texted him and asked if he would be interested. and well he wasnt so much. so he then told me not to get him anything for valentines day. me being me, i dont listen. i love giving presents, when i can afford them of course. but he was like, "we need to finish our conversation from last night", which was just him mentioning he was thinking about the future. it wasnt really a conversation at all because he didnt got into details. so all night im thinking to myself, "what the fuck did i do, i have been a good girlfriend, right". he basically has me second guessing every move i've ever made with him, and i hate it. its bullshit.

its bullshit how a guy can have that much control over you. i told myself i wouldnt fall in love again. i was going to protect my heart from getting hurt like it had been. then along comes Josh, i had my guard up for so long with him. i protected myself. and well him being mr wonderful to me, i fell for him. and me having a miscarriage just reassured me how amazing he is. he was there for me every step of the process. that right there automatically bonds us for life. he would have been an amazing father. but things happen for a reason. but the bottom line is, i fell and i fell hard for him. yeah he is in the army and is leaving in june. but we already talked about me coming to see him and what not. i dont just fall in love and let my guard down with someone who i consider a fling. thats a long haul thing there babe.

but were going to lunch today because he wants to finish this talk. kelly conivinced me to ask if it was a good talk or bad talk. he responds back to, "i dont know yet". then he was like "i have some questions and concerns." WTF...really. and your just now saying something. me coming into the relationship i knew he was in the army, i knew that he was leaving for fort leonard wood and i knew that he could deploy. but i still stayed around. why would i stay around if i couldnt handle the situation. you do some crazy things for love. lets just hope he understands no one person has the upper hand in a relationship. its not fair for him to keep doing this too me.

ily <3

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