I Confess

I confess: that I am completely heartbroken.

Yes its been almost 1 month exactly since all the badness happened, since my life

fell apart, since I lost the love of my life, my best friend.

I confess: I want him. I want every part of him. I want our plans to fall through, all of

our hopes and dreams that we shared. Our one day owning a big piece of land

and building OUR dream home, and him getting me a horseyy!

I confess: I want to be able to hug him goodbye when he leaves for deployment.

I want to be his number one supporter. I want to be his biggest fan.
I want to be able to share this deployment with him.
I want to be the overly excited, can't wait to see my love in the airport

when he gets R&R, I want to get to pick out that amazing outfit
for his homecoming. I want to be able to throw an amazing going
away party and coming home party for him!

I confess: I am hurt. I am sad. I am angry. I am broken.

I confess: We are still good friends. I still talk to him almost everyday. We battle
each other in Words With Friends (by the way, if you have it, play me)
everyday.

I confess: I thought I was doing better. I think I feel like I took 20 steps back because

he is in our hometown for the weekend. I should have known he wouldn't
want to actually see me. Let alone, maybe hang out. It hurts, I hurt...

I confess: I will miss him when he leaves next week for his month long trip to Arkansas.

I confess: I miss him!



I'm Done..

I am over this. I am over everything in my life. How can my life go from perfect to completely ruined in a matter of days. I have not one thing to live for anymore. Everyone says myself, but I don't feel like that even matters anymore. Found out I can't get my financial aid now because apparently you have to complete so many credit hours for which you enroll. Well lucky me had to withdraw from this quarter, so there goes a wasted 15 credits and now because of that I am no longer elgible for financial aid. This list of bullshit, miserableness just keeps getting worse. I still have no job. The one person who can even make this remotely a little bit better, won't. Because he just wants to be a whore and fuck anyone and everyone. My whole world has literally been shattered. Nothing is right. So therefore I'm done. I am throwing in the towel. I don't know when it will happen, but I don't have a desire to live anymore. Everyone thinks I am this incredibly strong person, and at times I am, but maybe I hit my low point. I hit my point of not caring about life anymore. I hit my point of not having a reason to exist anymore.

I love you more than anything JRB